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Wednesday, May 17, 2006 

Is there a hope?

today in Acapulco
today in Acapulco, originally uploaded by michale



It has been two years since I am out of job in my 40’s.
I have so far tried to live my life positively
and energetically and never lost my hope.
I even tried to overcome the hardships in my family.
I have sold my apartment and lived in a rent room instead
But tried to give my children decent education
Even when I was in financial trouble because
I believed in good education.




I have drunk more and more and even started
Smoking again that I had refrained from for eight years.
My wife never blamed me so far.
She gave me much courage and strength and I felt grateful
Since my hardships would turn into good life experiences
Later in my life.




However, my wife has become harsh on me recently.
I know how tiring her job is that pays her only
600,000 won a month
I have watched my wife crying from behind
I cried as much as my wife and I felt for her
But I have been harsh on her from time to time
I feel guilty all the time but my apology
does not work any more because
Apologies cannot heal the hardships.




I thought of suicide every once in a while
but I feel like it very much these days
I go out to smoke because my daughter does not like me smoking
I think to myself while smoking in the veranda
'Will I die if I fall down from here?
But what about my daughter and son?
How my wife would manage them without me?'




My life is too harsh on me.
But I cannot think about stealing money from others
Why did I not realize that money is really important in life?
When my father died ten years ago,
my family business went bankrupt
And my family went bankrupt which made me miserable
Why did I not make much money after that?
I am regretful indeed
But I have tried to be optimistic thinking that
Hard work will change my life
I will have a better future,
I tried to comfort myself this way.




But I am scared now
Is there a hope?
For years, I had contributed my meager money to you
But I cannot continue it because I am almost broke.
All these hardships, I thought, would turn into good
I would be able to get over them,
I miss those days when I used be positive
When I had had a hope of sorts.




I have just seen my families sleeping
Then, I have cried
Going over the good letters that I have kept in a box
to give my children when they grow up
the letters told me that there were more people who
suffered from greater hardships than mine,
but they overcame the troubles with their lives on track
But what am I doing?




I cried over the sad letters
Then, I cried over my troubles,
And then, I cry over my lost self
I know I cry too much
I could cry even more if my tears can cure my life
But they cannot do it
Tears do not help what it really is
Why am I shedding tears without meaning?




I know my letter is pointless.
Thank you for reading it, reading my grumbles.
I will go to bed after I see my sleeping children again



--------------------------------------


The pain and solitude, I could read them in your letter
And it makes my heart ache ever more
Mr, Hanmam, please contact The Early Morning Letters,
14 million subscribers will stay with you
You can overcome your troubles by working together with others
Share your sorrow so that you could lessen your burden





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